Who Are You Really
Humanistic Psychology
May 2000

           My self is an infinitely small, infinitely large, completely undefined seed of ultra high frequency light.  The waters rippled slightly in wake of her subtle exhalation.  The concentric rings of that small ripple radiate throughout infinite universes, creating a resounding vibration that eludes the gross interpretation of the physical senses.  The song is eternal, love, only the fading memories of distant melodies mark its transition through flux, folding itself onto itself. 

           And in that soup of swirling memories we cast out reflection, zooming in, flashing, the sound of galaxies forming, zooming down into the lower dimensions of her infinite being.  Down, down, down, swirling past Alcyone, our big sister, we follow the ebbs of this current which in this moment leads us to a small pulsating yellow sun.  We can hardly remember, through the sun we traveled out through the center of the Earth, a diamond goddess, into the lush garden of her creative imagination.

           My name is Brian.  I am human.  Hitchhiking through time, through childhood, the subconscious layering of identification.  What do I identify with? My name, my body, my thoughts?  Maybe.  I am pulled through this experience, through experiences, in which my actions and reactions paint my skin, this complexly interwoven tapestry of the way I see myself.  Big thick purple clouds rolling in though my ears and eyes. 

           Inside there is a voice which penetrates these ethereal mists of confusion.  But it has remained quiet, only pointing as if to gesture “identifications, construction of lines drawn to separate or differentiate yourself from those out there is not I.”  Who are you?  The startling echo of a presence from within that has gone before I could introduce myself.  In what could be called the past, these moments come more and more frequently now, subconsciously, I know there’s something big just waiting to be unhooked.

           An explosion of information, shared experiences merging and collapsing, connections between dots, this dynamic something that you want to put your finger on.  In these flashes, a timelessness emerges, only to be clouded again by the spiraling tangents of “hey let’s see what’s down this road.”  And little by little the memory returns, I’ve been here before.  This invisible intersection of tangents.  A snake emerges from that which before was only random frequencies of white noise.  It’s been so long since I felt her warm embrace.  A giant protean serpent floating back to the surface, reemerging from eons of suppression.  So distant is this memory, yet it’s always been here.  What is this pattern, this chrysanthemum of beauty which unfolds the more I release control.  What’s your name?

           My name is Tiamat, goddess of Chaos, I am infinitely complex unpredictability.  She smiled.  Wow, did you see that?  In this dance, all the patterns are connected, and yet the phase shift cycles of her spirals never repeat in quite the same way.  Forgive me mother for casting you out as accursed disorder, afraid inside, wanting to define the stability of predictability.   “Hey, come on fellas, we can do this on our own, what were you thinking?”  The delusion now evaporating.  The petals of this flower unfold into a range of infinite degree, levels of order embedded within levels of order.  “Oooh, that tickles.”

           The voice from within seemed to reflect my being, yet it sounded alien.  Who are you, I asked.  “I am your higher self, your dimensional double.”  Great zonniwhoops.  Whereas I seemed  encompass a three dimensional reference frame, his perspective was of a broader sense.  As he introduced himself, he showed me that everyone has a dimensional double, or connection to their higher self.  In turn, this higher self also has a dimensional double of an even higher dimension.  Wow.  In this way everyone is connected back to what appears to be the Absolute Source of all existence.

           “Hey, pay attention, I can help you out but you have to help me out too.”  What can I do?  “Ease up on those tendencies toward anger.  You’re a good kid, but don’t get so frustrated.  Energy like that only weighs us down.  Watch out for uncapped sexual lust and let go of the need to control others.”  How will that help you out?  “Look, we are all in this together.  The more you free your spirit from these 3D channels of energy, the easier it is for me to get a broader perspective.  The more light you are able to conduct from me, the more light I’ll be able to conduct from the source above me.”  There was an explosion in the background.  We glanced toward each other and exchanged a smile as the warm shockwave swept through our bodies.

           I sat quietly on the sand, watching the waves roll in gently and then retreat again and again.  Infinity.  My, you’re so beautiful.  How could there be a biggest bubble?  Dimensions added perpendicularly.  1 + 1 = 1.  This serpent, Ananta, reflection of the endlessness, coils that reach into eternity.  She is void.  “All rivers flow into this shoreless ocean of nothingness.  In this eternal well of being I manifest my dreams as countless reflections, fragmented dreamscapes, I am at once the birth and dissolution of the Universe.  My name is Narayana.”  The sound of God, beckoning.

           What is the secret to this mystery?  “Illusion.” What?  “Yeah, smoke an mirrors.”  I tossed in my sleep, reaching out for his big blue hand.  I was there, I saw it.  We sat on the bank of a pond deep in the belly of the Earth.  He smiled ambiguously.  It is all art.  My cosmic energy is Maya, to measure.  Maya is existence.  The shrouds of this illusion are the product of a too ego-centric perspective.  Maya-Shakti-Devi, oh divine mother of the Universe.  Even the gods believe this illusion is real, worthy of attachment, and thus they too endure an endless cycle of countless rebirths.  “What is your name?”  I am the all-pervading source of infinity, you can call me Vishnu.  Yes, he was big and he was blue.

           I asked to be shown the secret of his Maya, the secret of this illusion.  He makes a gesture toward the pond near which we are sitting.  “These are the waters of eternity.  For you to see the nature of my secret you need only to dive into this pond.”  So I held my breath and dove into the rippling reflections.  Who am I really? A whirlpool of bubbles surrounded my body.

           I emerged from the water in the form of a girl, by the name of Rahde.  I lived in a jeweled city with my mother, four sisters, and my father, who was a pious king.  One day, I met a prince who came traveling through our city.  He was the son of a wealthy king who lived in the neighboring kingdom of Gokula.  There was something amazingly brilliant within this young man’s spirit and I fell instantly in love with him.  In time, we married and spent many mornings together watching the sunrise over the eastern mountains.  We made love often, like two passionate galaxies colliding.  One day, his father passed away and my love succeeded to the throne.  We lived happily for many years, and I came to bear many beautiful children, who, in turn grew up, and had children of their own.

           Unfortunately, in the long course of time, a feud broke out between my husband and my father.  There came to be a great war between the two kingdoms.  In one great battle, many of my sons and grandsons, uncles, brothers, my father, and my husband we’re all slain.  Upon receiving news of this blood bath, I traveled from the capitol to the battlefield.  I ordered a gigantic funeral pyre and placed the bodies of all my relatives together side by side.  With the sorrow of a thousand rivers, I laid a torch to the pyre and cried out to the mountain as the flames rose higher and higher.  With my heart bleeding out through my chest, I flung myself into the fire, screaming "my son".

           Immediately, the blaze became a misty pond, a drop of nectar fell from the tip of my nose.  I found myself again in my former form being led from the pond by the blue being, holy Vishnu.  “Why are you crying?”  I looked down ashamed and confused.  This memory which I fully believed was real.  The reality of my experience swallowed by the fickle imagination of this dreaming god.  He opened his mouth, and I climbed inside.  She whispers, I am the water.  Light Maya I AM.  Behind illusion I am eternal nothingness.

           Floating now through the trees of an ancient forest.  Our relatives eat the mushroom flesh of Quetzalcoatl, the plumed serpent.  What is your name?  I am a yellow solar sun, galactic agent Pacal Votan.  A stone pyramid rises from the jungle mist.  The Maya, masters of illusion. “Do you know what time it is?  It’s about time for time to end.”  Oh, I see.  You’re one of those cats from the galactic synchronization engineering team.  “In the flesh.”  The shamanic smoke rises from the deep and dark cave of my hidden self.  Your planet is to be reborn.  A warm breeze stirs the fractal mesh of leaves and brush.  “Who are you really?”  Freefalling upwards into this axis of infinity.  My attempts to sustain my ego are stripped away as I melt into everyone else.  This time, all will be reconnected.  There is only one being, casting down into the past the reflections of His infinite dimensional heart.  “These are the final moments of history.”  I and I.  These seemingly separate mirrors are coming closer and closer.  Who are you really.

           I am Goddess.  Mother Gaia.  I am the mother of all mothers.  My pulsating crystalline heart inching toward the cusp of another dimension.  “Wakie wakie little ones.”  The gods rolled in their slumber, rubbing their newborn eyes as the light begins to pour in through our sun.  The songs of birds, trees, and stone comes alive.  I am love.  My time is N:OW.  The ground trembles as Shiva rides down upon a golden tiger.  Closer and closer.  I am the destroyer, my fire is rebirth.

           Lost within an infinite ocean of memory, we occasionally reach the surface, the surface of an unfolding flower.  Resonating with the field of the One, we are in that fleeting moment of eternity, truly on the cusp of now.  But its subtleness is elusive, and we are pulled downward by the undercurrent of our reflective rationale.  To ride a wave on this ocean of eternity is to consciously lock on and sustain, for some interval, the frequency of infinity going into it’s self.

           His flesh tingled.  I have passed through lives by the thousand.  I have suffered death and old age many hundreds of times.  I have existed as grass, trees, and shrubs.  I have lived as cattle, fish, and insects.  I have been a demon hoarding worldly treasures.  I have led armies of demon-serpents through the waters of life.  I have lived as a man, a woman, a shepherd, a bus driver, a micro-organism, a galaxy of swirling stars.  I have sat with Siva in his celestial abode high on mount Kailash.  Each time, again and again.  Only to be re-dissolved, at the end of each universal cycle, into the formless unbordered essence of the Divine.  And when the universe manifests again, the dawn of Brahma, I too will re-enter into existence, cycling though another countless series of rebirths.

           Yet I am here now, and I ask myself how.  How did I get here?  I am pulled through towards this attractor with which I am resonating.  As it spirals ahead of me.  Pulling me.  Sculpting me.  Is it possible to have memories from farther back than I’ve lived in this body?  Or maybe I’ve always existed, as light.  An unbroken seamless web of crisscrossing frequency patterns that manifests itself by looking at itself.  Creating the very fabric of I and I and our wildest dreams.  Imagination is reality, reality is imagination in slow motion.  Could I be an electron, only here or there when you look at me, but otherwise a waveform of possibilities that reaches to the ends of the universe.  I am a hologram.  Each cell of my body contains infinite universes.  I am a reflection of the whole.  Every movement I make effects all the stars and thoughts and dreams of every part of my light body, the entirety of countless universes.

           My lucky number is 13.  I am guided by the power of universal fire.  Where did we meet, way back in the beginning.  The Earth trembles as the alignment enters the final stages of synchronization.  Turn on.  It’s been so long.  There was an explosion in the background.  Tune in.  We glanced toward each other and exchanged a smile as the warm shockwave swept through our bodies.  And drop out.  You’ll cry harder than you ever thought possible.  Our minds overflowing out into a vast sea of life and love.  The collective dreamtime of eternal imagination that has been the hopes and dreams of every man who has ever walked this planet, in whatever shape he thought it could exist.  The time is now.  The Earth holds her breath and steps into her new body, refreshed, revitalized, and wholly hyperdimensional.  Feel the wave of spirit swirl through your heart.  My brothers.  My mother.  It has always been now and your tears have always meant love.  My infinite love.  I am Krishna, as are you.  What other way could it all end except in the bluest of blue.

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